Doubting ...

Is God imaginary?
Earlier in the week I read a blog post titled “Ten Questions Christians Should Know” (or something like that – I don’t exactly remember). I linked to the post, more out of curiosity than a sense of needing to make sure I knew.

The author posed some of the tough questions of life. Questions like “If God has the power to heal, why doesn’t he heal amputees?” “If God is good, why do bad things happen in the world?” and the list went on. The point the author made was that Christians can’t give definitive, conclusive answers without sounding like they’re talking in circles, and the only Then there was a link to a YouTube-type film that supported the argument that “prayer = superstition.” definitive, conclusive answer is “God is imaginary.”

The whole thing had me actually questioning what I believe, and why I believe it. What if I had been lied to all this time? What if the things I had attributed to God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit were all fake? If I were less mature in my faith than where I am now, this whole thought process could have really messed with my head.

You know how sometimes you have someone who has no way of knowing what you’re going through telling you something that makes you think they’ve been reading your private journal, except there’s no way they could have done it? Well, the next morning it happened. Except it came from a stranger, through a blog from a guy named Josh, who had read my previous blog post. He was talking about how adamant non-believers try to question us in order to question ourselves, and that our job as Christians is not to defend our Lord and Savior, He can do that well enough on His own. Our job is to love these confused souls and spread the love of Christ.

Reading that was like splashing cool, refreshing water on my face, although I am still trying to find out how this guy in Houston got his hands on my hand-written journal in California J

Searching for God Knows What
This past week I’ve also been reading Donald Miller’s book Searching for God Knows What. Wouldn’t you know it, but the day after reading Josh’s blog I read the part in the book where Miller talks about how he tells God that he (God) doesn’t exist. Think about it … If someone does not exist, then how can you tell him that he doesn’t exist? It’s like … I can’t even think of an analogy for it. The non-existent being won’t cease to be, because it never was!

Miller later explains that the God he banished is the “formula” God that we make out of him. The “Do steps one through seven, and you’ll find that your spiritual life is soaring on wings of eagles” type. The problem with this is that if God uses formulas, then the same formula should work for everyone, right? But not every formula self-help book or formula church “program” works the same.

So the “formula God” is out. The God of the Bible, the relational God, the one Miller explores deeper, is the true God of the universe. The Bible is not a “formula” self-help book. It is the story of our perfect creator who wants to be – even longs for – an intimate friendship with imperfect men and women who, it seems, can never get their lives right and keep them right.

I can’t seem to name the emotion that comes to mind when I think that perfect holiness actually wants to have friendship with impure, dirty friends. Parents tell their kids to stay away from the “bad” kids and pray that they befriend and become one of the “good” ones. But when God determined that the time had come to send his perfect Son to the world that we live in, he sent Jesus for the purpose, and with the expectation that he would hang out with the “wrong” crowd.

To me, that sounds like a curious method of parenting. But that statement alone just tried to put God into the step-by-step format that should not exist.

After Jesus Died

Last year (2007) at the Good Friday service, my pastor challenged us to meditate over Friday night and Saturday about what it would be like to be in Jerusalem after Jesus died, keeping in mind that during those two days people did not yet know the rest of the story, that Jesus would rise from the dead.

I took him up on that challenge, and wrote from four different points of view: Mary (the sister of Jesus' friend Lazarus), the apostle Peter, an anonymous bystander, and a Roman soldier who was at the crucifixion.

Here is what I wrote:

AFTER JESUS DIED
Mary (Lazarus' sister)
What a Passover this has been! Martha and I have had so much preparation to do. This year’s celebration meant so much more than in the past. We’ve had so many blessings!

When our brother Lazarus died, we hoped Jesus would be there to say good-bye before we had to bury him. Those two had always been such good friends. Martha and I even sent someone to find Jesus to tell him that Lazarus was dying, but he didn’t come right away. And when he did arrive, it was too late. We had already buried my brother.

My sister was very gracious to the Teacher when he arrived to our home. But not me. I couldn’t help but think that if he had been here sooner, Lazarus would still be alive. After all, he gave sight to a man who was blind from birth; he gave life to Jairus’ little girl who had died; surely he could have saved the life of a sick friend whom he loved dearly. When he got here, I could see the sadness in his eyes. In fact, he did what I’ve seen few men ever do. He wept. When I took him to the tomb where we placed Lazarus, he asked something most sane men wouldn’t ask. He wanted the stone rolled back. Is he a mad man? Jesus’ friend - my brother - died four days ago! Doesn’t he realize how bad it will smell? And what does Jesus think he can do now anyway? Make Lazarus get up and walk?!?

But that’s exactly what he did. All Jesus had to do was speak. “Lazarus, come out!” And out comes my brother, walking! Laz was dead - there was no question - so we knew it wasn’t trickery. And a madman couldn’t bring a dead man back to life, especially after that much time!

I remember the first time Jesus came to the house. Martha is such the homemaker. She had to make sure everything was perfect for our guest. But I couldn’t help but sit at the Teacher’s feet and take in every word from him. Martha couldn’t stand it. She even asked Jesus to send me back to the kitchen! Do you know what he said? “Martha, Martha," my Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."

But it was taken away from us. Jesus is dead. He did what only God could do with Lazarus, but couldn’t save himself. His mother and the other Mary anointed him and buried him, just like Martha and I did with Lazarus.

When Jesus first arrived at our home after we buried Lazarus, he said, “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die.” I could believe in that when Jesus was here.

I don’t know what to believe any more.

Peter
I’m thinking I should get a new boat. Not that there’s anything wrong with this one. I’ve had some pretty zany experiences with Jesus on this boat. But now, my Lord is … dead. I never thought it would happen. Not like this.

I remember the first time Jesus noticed me. It was about three years ago. I was on this same boat, cleaning my fishing nets. “Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men!” I wasn’t exactly sure what he meant by that, but I was ready to find out. I knew that there was something different about him, and it was something I wanted, even longed for.

He loved people, more than he loved himself, it seems. A while back, The Twelve, as we’re sometimes called, were with Jesus by the Sea of Galilee. We spent most of that day being followed by throngs of people, many of them wanting to be healed. And Jesus healed a lot of people that day. We tried to get away to a mountainside, just to get some rest from all the activity. That didn’t last long. Next thing we know, there must have been at least 5,000 people starting to settle on the mountainside around us. So, what does Jesus do next? He asks us where we can get food for the crowd. I’m stunned. What is this? The world’s biggest picnic? I don’t say anything. Philip tells him that even if there were a market close by, it would cost eight months salary to even begin to feed them, and we just don’t have that kind of money on us. My brother Andrew points to a kid in the front. “Here is a boy with five small barley loaves and two small fish, but how far will they go among so many?” Well, you’ve probably heard the rest of the story. It really was the World’s Biggest Picnic!

That wasn’t the only time Jesus did the “impossible.” I don’t even think the word was in his vocabulary. He did unheard of things like walking on water, and turning water into wine at a big wedding. He changed a lot of people‘s lives. And I’ll never forget the time he took John, James and me to the mountaintop, and the three of us stood and watched while Jesus actually had a conversation with Moses and Elijah! That moment was so incredible, I haven’t been able to talk to anyone about it to this day!

He had a kind of “sixth sense” about him. He kept talking about things that were to come, foretelling the future. But as I look back at this past week, he seemed to be acting kind of strange. It’s as if he knew all along what would happen. Especially at dinner in the Upper Room last night. He predicted who would betray him. He knew he would be executed. And, this one I still find hard to believe. He even knew that I would deny him -- three times -- before morning! I said I would die for him. And I turned my back on him. I feel so ashamed.

I know that Jesus was the Son of God. I’ve seen to much to believe otherwise.

I only wish he were still alive so I could tell him how sorry I am for not taking a stand for him.

Bystander
Today the Romans had a triple crucifixion. Seems they were particularly brutal with the guy in the middle. I was kind of hoping it was Barabbas, but it wasn’t. In fact, I heard that they had let that murdering thief go, so that the religious leaders could do something about that Jesus guy.

Now, I’m not a big fan of the Pharisees. Don’t get me wrong… I’m a Jew, and I believe in God and the Law and all, but I haven’t been in the temple since I was a kid. I’ve done some pretty bad stuff, and I don’t really see the point of going if all the priests and rabbis are going to do is tell me I’m unclean because of my sins.

But I have heard Jesus talk on one or two occasions. One time I was in this huge crowd of people where he was teaching. He obviously understood the Law. He taught it with common sense, a compassion, in a way that I have never heard a rabbi teach before. Things like love your enemies. Settle matters between you and someone you have wronged before offering your sacrifice at the altar. Don’t be showy when you pray or fast or give to the poor, but do it privately. And that doesn’t even begin to cover what he taught that day! And this guy practiced what he preached, too. You don’t see Pharisees doing that. Heck, that High Priest Caiaphas even falls short of the Law that we’re expected to follow.

Yet Jesus wasn’t arrogant. He would go to folks like prostitutes and tax collectors. He’d even go to their homes for dinner. Now, like I said, I’ve done some bad stuff, but even I won’t hang out with tax collectors. They rob you blind in broad daylight – imagine what they’d try to do to you in private! Except for Zaccheus. Ever since Zaccheus met up with Jesus, he stopped cheating the taxpayers. He even repaid them four times what he cheated them! If Jesus could make a tax collector change the way Zaccheus did, maybe he could have done something for me too. I want the kind of new life that Zaccheus has now…

I don’t really follow what Jesus did that was so bad to make the people want to crucify him and let Barabbas go. But it’s too late now. Jesus is dead. And when I look at my life, I feel as though my spirit will always be dead too.

Roman Soldier
I can’t wait to get back to the barracks tonight. With all the duties we have as Roman soldiers, I think crucifixions are the worst. Of the three that we had today, the guy in the middle, Jesus, had it worst. The religious leaders were in a frenzy over him claiming he was King of the Jews. Pilate didn’t see any cause to put Jesus to death. He even did everything he could to free him. But in order to appease the Jews, he sentenced him anyway. And this was after giving him 39 lashes with the cat-of-nine-tails. By the time he was handed over to us to take him to Golgotha, he had already been beaten bloody.

The streets were so crowded. Heads everywhere turned and looked at this man. Many couldn’t believe that this was the same Jesus who taught with such authority and performed all these so-called miracles all week long. Personally, I didn’t get to see any of that for myself. But with so many people here for the Jewish feast, people were talking about him everywhere you went.

After we nailed the hands and feet of Jesus and the other two men, there was still something about Jesus. While some of the other soldiers were casting lots for his clothes, I couldn’t help but look to the crosses. The two men hanging on either side of Jesus were scared. They were dying. Anyone in their position would be scared. At one point, the three seemed to be talking amongst themselves, but I couldn’t hear what was said.

But what I saw was that Jesus seemed to have a sense of purpose, even when he was enduring the agony of his crucifixion. It almost seemed as though he was taking the punishment for someone else. The only reason someone would willingly die for another man is because he loves them more than life itself. But who is Jesus doing this for?

As I look back at my morning devotionals that I've read lately, I've noticed a pattern surfacing. It seems as though the underlying message has been to make spending time with God a priority. It started with the story of God providing manna for the Israelites in the desert, and the command that they go out and gather enough manna for the day, only for yourself, and only enough for that day (if they tried to stock up it would spoil), six mornings of the week. And on the sixth day to prepare for the Sabbath, when they prepare what they have gathered, it would be twice as much as the daily ration (Exodus 16:4-7). God used this morning manna-fest to test the people to see if they would be obedient to Him.

"Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord" (Deuteronomy 8:3)

Jesus is the Bread of Life. Just as our the people of Israel were tested to be obedient and trust God for fill the needs of their physical hunger, we are daily tested to trust God to fill our spiritual hunger. When Jesus taught us to pray "and give us this day our daily bread..." he was reminding us that just as the Israelites gathered manna daily, we need to seek out and gather our spiritual food, the Word of God, on a daily basis as well.

This challenged me. Had I been spending time in God's word every morning? No, not really. On a scale of 1 to 10, I gave myself about a 6. True, I've been sending out and posting a Daily Blessing (a Bible verse with a short meditation, usually written by someone else ... posted at www.thedailyblessing.blogspot.com), but mostly I would read, copy, paste, and send, without giving the passage a second thought. When put into the context of a "test" from God to see if I will walk in His law, I see how I continue to fall short. With Jesus, I walk in God's grace. I still fall short by my own effort, but Jesus bridges the gap to where I can pass the test.

Be still, and know that I am God. - Psalm 46:10

Be still. Why would God give that command? Why would anyone give it, unless the one who is being spoken to is living at a frantic pace? To-do lists that won't be completed. Kids to take from school to soccer to dance and back home. Phone calls and e-mails. Dinner to cook, dishes to clean, bodies to keep fit.

God tells us "Be still."

But we keep going. Like that pink bunny with the bass drum, And as if we're not frantically busy enough, something else is added to our lives. The car needs fixing. The freezer stops freezing. Our spouse gets a DUI. Our best friends are divorcing. Dad's been diagnosed with advanced cancer. And the bad habit you thought you had under control is beckoning you like an old friend, inviting you to party like the old days.

"Be still." Stop. Take a time-out. Not because you've been bad. You're not being punished, sent to the corner to think about how you got into this mess.

"Be still, and know that I am God." Take a time-out from the playing field of life.

Your coach needs to tell you something that will help you in your game, but he can't do it while the game is in play. Unless you take a time-out, come to the sideline, and be still.

"Know that I am God." Not you. You are not God. And neither is your unending to-do list. Or the piles of dishes and laundry. The car and the exercise equipment? Not even close. The ailments of your family and your broken heart? They may be pretty high up on your attention list, but they are not God.

That voice calling you from the sideline to be still ... That's God.

Regifting

Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good. – 1Corinthians 12:7

This is possibly the biggest re-gifting faux-pas ever. Especially since it’s true:

Christmas, 2005:
A friend of mine got tired of her husband taking pictures on his 35mm camera, and developing 20 pictures of his thumb, and 4 pictures of what actually were passable photos of what he was shooting. To top it off, he always had double prints, and had a hard time throwing away the 40 prints of his thumb, because after all, he paid good money for the developing.

For his Christmas gift that year, she bought him his first digital camera. He was thrilled! He took more pictures than ever before, and could delete the bad ones without the guilt of having paid good money for developing. And his wife was thrilled – no more pictures of her hubby’s thumbprint!

June, 2006:
The wife was going on a “weekend away” with her girlfriends. Her loving hubby said, “Why don’t you take my digital camera. I’m not going to be using it this weekend anyway. And here are some extra batteries so you don’t miss a single memory.” So off she goes for the weekend. She took some pretty fabulous, once-in-a-lifetime pictures of her friends having a great time and made memory books to share with her friends.

November, 2006:
My friend hints to her husband that she’d like to have a digital camera of her own, similar to the one that he has.

December, 2006:
My friend unwraps an early Christmas gift from her loving husband. To her amazement, it’s a very familiar looking digital camera. Yes, folks, the dashing stud that she married re-gifted to her the very same camera that she gave him last year for Christmas!

You should have seen her reaction in the picture that he took on his new, better camera that he bought for himself. But he deleted it before he showed it to her.

Here’s proof that Santa Claus watches you. The new doghouse under the tree that Christmas had her husband’s name on it, while the tag on the cozy slippers said “Happy Paw-lidays to Brutus.”

There is another well-known story about re-gifting that happened 2,000 years ago in a far-off city called Bethlehem. The story is about a young boy who heard the announcement of a king being born. Everyone was bringing their best gifts to place before the baby, gifts fitting of someone born to royalty.

But being just a lad himself, the young boy couldn’t afford to give the finer things that people usually give to a prince. The only gift he had was to share his talent of music. He picked up his drum and drumsticks, and went with the others to honor the baby. And he shared his talent with his greatest performance ever. In fact, his was the only gift that brought a smile of approval to face of the infant king.

God gave so much to our lives. He gave us the baby Jesus, who grew up and gave his life for us. And by our accepting Jesus, we gained gifts through the Holy Spirit.

I challenge everyone this Christmas season to re-gift to God what he gave to us. Discover and develop your God-given gifts, and use them for His glory to further the Kingdom of God.

Just Prove It - Part 2

I apologize for this post being so long overdue. Here is an update to the "Prove It" dilemma from back in September:

The shiny new promotion that I sent my application for never called me for an interview. (My company hires for promotions from a "ranking list", interviewing from the candidates in the top three ranks of applicants after initial qualifications testing and screening interview. Apparently, I don't rank high enough for consideration.) I guess I didn't have the right key to Door #1.

That left the options of "more of the same", or the demotion and pursuing God's call for my life.

About a week or so after the "Prove It" post, I was given the opportunity to interview for the demotion. I thought, "Wow ... this is really happening!"

The managers in the office where I was working really, really, REALLY wanted me to pursue more of the same, because "You're good at what you do." I was afraid to tell them "Yeah, but I'm not happy at it ... in fact, I want to take a step backward." I didn't want to face their disappointment. But now I had no choice. I had to tell them.

What I wasn't quite prepared for was the reaction of the manager of the office. "Good for you!" she said. "You know, if I hadn't been in this position as long as I have, I would have done the same thing a long time ago. You've got guts, girl!" Wow. Thanks, God. That wasn't so bad.

The night before the interview, I was afraid. Not nervous. Afraid. Am I really doing the right thing? I pretty much know the caliber of candidates in the hiring pool for this position. None have the qualifications and abilities that I have. The hiring managers both know me. I have a 99.9% chance of getting this position. If I do this, there's no turning back.

I thought of my options again. Whether I choose to go through with this interview or not, I'm going to be pursuing God's plan for my life. The issue is do I want to do it while I am under the same kind of stress I've been having the past couple of years with no end in sight, or while I am doing something that will free me emotionally?


"Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion?" (Luke 11:11-12)

If I ask God for an egg, I should expect an egg and not a scorpion. And when He gives me the egg, accept it, and forget about the scorpion. Either I trust God, or I don't.

I went through with the interview. And got the demotion. And accepted the position.

Next is to break the news to the employees. None of them (except for two or three) have any idea that I've even thought about this change. How do I tell them? What do I say?

Leave it to the office manager. She told them at the end of a staff meeting, and said it so much better than I ever could have. Of course, many were surprised. But nearly all were supportive, especially since it was a change that I wanted and had prayed for.

I have been on my new job for about six weeks now. The transition was so seamless, so flawless. So many details were taken care of, even details that no one could have anticipated. No individual or team of people could have orchestrated these events any better. God's hands were all over this change. Within a week, my husband and closest friends could see a positive change in me. The transition time was exciting and nearly effortless. I've been on such a spiritual high! It's been awesome! And God gets all the glory!

God is leading me toward a new adventure of investing more time with our youth group, particularly in leading a teen girls' Bible study. Not even a year ago, I would have given a blank stare - perhaps even the dreaded "stink-eye" - to anyone who dared to suggest that kind of adventure for me. But God's timing in all of this wasn't for 2006. It is for 2007/2008. The tools for equipping and training me for this are readily available to me. It is up to me to put the tools to work, and trust that the Holy Spirit will do the heavy lifting.

2 Corinthians 12:9 -- But [God] said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. (NIV)

The thing that you think is holding you back might be the very thing God will use to make great things happen. Can you think of any examples of this from your own life? From the lives of others?

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Blessed

Several people have said that when you start to journal, write down something every day. It doesn't have to be the 3-page entry. Start simple, perhaps three ways God has specifically blessed you or specifically worked in your life today. Here are my answers. (Of course, there were countless more, but I'm listing only three here.)

1. An awesome assistant at my job who stepped up to the task of organizing an area of my new workspace, without my having to ask, and with minimal direction from me, which frees me to fit in to my new job more effectively
   


2. Knowing that my very good friend has people she can count on and turn to when she needs to feel loved
   


3. Allowing myself to be used by God to encourage a colleague during a meeting where she was feeling anxious

What about you? What are your answers?

Just Prove It.

When anyone strives to follow God's will in his or her life, there's a certain amount of trust that you need to have in the Almighty. In Jeremiah 29:11 God tells us "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

OK...... God's plans for us are good...... I can hang with that....... We can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. But what about the times that I'm not sure I'm living my life in line with God's plans? What if I want something a little more solid than a promise? What if a "sign" from God isn't enough? What if I want to see some solid proof? And if I need "proof," do I really trust God?

About six weeks ago, I felt pretty sure that I was heading down the road that God has for my life. But to continue on this road would mean that I would be making some tough decisions concerning my job and time commitments -- decisions that once they're made, there's no turning back from. Do I apply for Job A, which would mean a promotion, different responsibilities, more money, and a relocation? I'm good at my present job, and with my knowledge and experience I would have a lot to offer the new position. Seeking a promotion would be the natural next thing to do on my job. Or, do I apply for Job B, a demotion with less pay, but frees my mind and energy to develop and use my gifts and abilities to serve God more?

To buy more time in making a decision, I applied for both. I must be the only person I can think of who would apply for both a promotion AND a demotion, in the same company, in the same week. Right around this time, I am filling in at a neighboring office, filling in for the same job classification as my 'home' office. Guess what? This neighboring office has a position open, and the office manager is hoping I'll consider applying for it.

I feel like I'm on the game show "Let's Make A Deal." Do I choose Door Number 1 - The Shiny New Promotion; Door Number 2 -- More of the same of what I've been doing the past 4 1/2 years; or Door Number 3 -- the door covered in blood -- what some would see as "giving up what I've worked so hard to accomplish" and living more for God, but not sure exactly what it will mean?

My choice is to take what's behind the door covered in the Blood of the Lamb -- Door #3.

In praying for guidance, I didn't simply "give it to God." I didn't ask for a "sign". After all, this is going to mean some changes for me. I want proof that this is what's in God's plans. I don't know what kind of proof I'm looking for, or even if I'd recognize the proof if it were right in front of me. I just trust in God enough that he will not be subtle in showing me the direction He wants me to take.

Bringing you up-to-date, God has in fact started showing me proof. Door Number 2 is definitely closed. About a week ago, the manager of the office where I am on loan to informed me that the opening in her office is no longer available, and has been re-allocated to another facility.

No word yet on the other two opportunities.

God is amazing!

If your house was burning down and you only had time to save one thing, what would it be?

Without question, I would want to get my journals. Hopefully I would have a blank one to record my experience of watching everything else burn down.

Nowadays, blogging seems to be a popular way of people keeping journals. E-mail is the preferred way to correspond between family members at a distance. But with the way electronic media (computers, discs, etc.) changes at seemingly a moment's notice, how much of what is communicated by computer will be even readable in five to ten years? Face it, it really wasn't that long ago that computer storage discs were 3 1/4" discs encased in plastic of the color of your choice. And some of the computers now don't even have the disc drive to play them!

In case you have haven't heard, America has men and women serving in the front lines of a war. In past wars, our soldiers would communicate with loved ones by what is now known as "snail-mail." Those precious letters penned by the hands of young men in life and death situations became valuable pieces of history to their loved ones, and in some cases were handed down from generation to generation. How much of our current history is being lost by the "delete" button, or by a hard-drive that unexpectedly crashes?

Even for those who are not serving our country, how many photos will our grandchildren not be able to see because the digital technology of today will have gone the way of the 8-track or Beta-Max?

I'm not saying that anything in my personal journal (or on my blog, for that matter) is so profound that it's worthy of winning a literary prize. I don't even know if they'll ever be read by anyone else. But I choose to write in my journal anyway. Maybe it's just my way of seeking to be immortal.